Bert
by LookingBeyondTheEmbers
Summary: After a particularly hard mission, Obi-Wan goes out with Windu and a few clones to celebrate their victory. Their celebration goes a little too far, and Anakin has to deal with the consequences. On the bright side, Obi-Wan did manage to make a new friend. Set early in Season 1. This is a Crack!fic, not meant to be taken seriously at all. Rated T for light swearing.


_**A/N:**_ Hello, everyone! I'd like to start off by saying that I recently watched the original three movies and the prequels. Beyond that, my knowledge of Star Wars is limited to about three quarters of a season of The Clone Wars (which is fantastic, btw) and the conversations I've had with my friends when they are ranting of the latest movies/storylines. There are bound to be errors and mistakes in here, simply because I am so new to this fandom, and please don't be afraid to point them out to me. To see that which is not there, we must first gaze upon what is. Simply said, if my writing sucks, let me know in a constructive way so I can work on it :).

I've had a few really cool ideas for fanfic after watching some of the show; there are just so many facets for writers here! This particular fic doesn't express any of those ideas at all, but that's okay too. This is dedicated to my little sister, who inspired this entire story while we were watching an episode set early on Season 1. If not for her and Pinterest, I would never have thought this story. This is a Crack!fic, not meant to be taken seriously. I hope it makes someone laugh, or at least giggle while reading it.

Disclaimer: Ah, yes. Another disclaimer saying that I don't own whatever marvelously crafted genius I'm obtruding upon. These things just get really depressing after a while, you know? I wish I owned this... Also, all mistakes are my own because I don't have a Beta.

 _"Did he just call it Bert?"_ -My little sister.

* * *

Anakin Skywalker was seated comfortably at his workbench, fiddling idly with the battered comm. His hands moved quick and sure as they always did when he was working with machines, but he wasn't really focused on the task. He let his mind rest contentedly, not worrying about anything and letting his hands take over the work for him, moving in well-established patterns worn by the ease of practice.

It was getting late in the night; he could sense the peace starting to fall over the Jedi Temple as its denizens went to take their rest. His thoughts flicked over the events of the past few days.

Ahsoka, Obi Wan, and himself along with a company of clones had just succeeded in brokering a treaty with one of the peaceful outposts that happened to have an abundance of natural resources that could be used in the war effort. Of course, the Separatists had been trying to undermine their efforts the entire time. This campaign had taken nine grueling days of blurred diplomacy, anxiety, fear, anger and the restless paranoid sleep of those who know they could be caught unaware at any time.

Finally, _finally_ it was over and the treaty was finished. This was considered a major victory by most in the Republic, but Anakin held it in even higher regard: they hadn't lost a single person in the hellish time they had spent fighting for their lives and the treaty on the planet. Not a clone, not a Jedi, not one of the peaceful colonists.

Anakin sighed quietly to himself, allowing his mind to truly realize how rare it was for him to not have to say goodbye to someone he cared about, to not be forced into leaving one of his men behind on a planet none of them belonged to.

The knowledge welled up in him, with such a strong feeling that it almost overwhelmed him. He felt tears of relief pricking at his eyes and tilted his chin towards the ceiling. He chuckled lightly, still not quite able to believe how well this mission had actually turned out.

Ahsoka, he knew, was in her quarters in the Temple, he could feel her presence, although he knew that she was already sleeping peacefully. He had sensed her joy and excitement at getting successfully through the mission as well, and it had been clearly written all over his Padawan's face for everyone to see.

Normally, the Jedi in the Temple would have admonished her for showing so much emotion and attachment, but they were all too relieved at the success that they had left her alone.

Anakin put down his wrench and tapped the comm. It immediately came to life, functioning as well as it always had. He switched it off and set it down gently.

He stretched slightly, looking at the time. His master had gone out celebrating with a few of the clones and Master Windu after the mission a few hours ago. Obi-Wan had protested vehemently, stating that he had "far too much to do", but Rex had bluntly told him that if he did not go with them to celebrate after such a hard campaign, that the Captain would go straight to the medics and advise them of Obi-Wan's need for a complete and thorough physical and psychological evaluation based on battlefield observations.

Kenobi had been halfway to the hangar deck before Rex could step towards the door.

Anakin smirked to himself slightly. He knew that his former master disapproved of drinking heavily, and believed that celebration should be scarcely employed after a battle, if at all. It was a habit that had been inherited by his Padawan, rarely stopping to look at what had happened, but continually looking forward.

Obi-Wan deserved a break, too, more than any of them really. Anakin looked at the clock again. It had been more than four hours since Obi-Wan had been strong-armed into celebrating by Windu and some of the clones, but Anakin decided that it was alright. His master needed to learn to relax.

Anakin got up from his workbench and started pulling his boots off when the door to quarters slid smoothly open. He looked up sharply to see a slightly exasperated Mace Windu with a very obviously drunk Obi-Wan being supported on his left side. Anakin's former master looked up, head having to raise a few times, then saw his former Padawan.

"Anakin!" he shouted in delight and squirmed away from Master Windu's careful grip. It was only Anakin's quick reflexes that stopped his inebriated former master from faceplanting at his feet when his legs refused to hold him up.

"'m so glad to see you," Obi-Wan mumbled, his head lolling on Anakin's shoulder as his hands encircled his former Padawan in a tight, clumsy hug. "You should've come with us. We had a great time," he slurred, smiling happily.

"That's nice, Master," Anakin said, trying in vain to extricate himself from the grip. In the end, he motioned somewhat angrily towards Windu and together, they managed to maneuver the Jedi master towards the bed, where he collapsed in a heap and struggled to push himself up into a sitting position. When Obi-Wan finally managed to do it, he grinned at his friends, and sat quietly on the bed, legs swinging over the side and making him look like a child all over again.

"What happened?" Anakin's voice was low and dangerous. Even though it was humorous to see his master in this state, he knew that Obi-Wan wouldn't have allowed himself to become this unaware and that something was wrong.

Windu sighed and rubbed his forehead ruefully, although Anakin could sense his amusement more than anything.

"We went to a bar downtown and got some drinks to celebrate the victory with some of the clones," the Jedi master began.

"We were ordering in rounds, but Obi-Wan wasn't really enjoying himself. So, one of the patrons at the bar tells him that he needs to live a little more. Obi-Wan tells him very calmly that he is indeed having fun, and that he lives the perfect amount for someone of his occupation, thank you very much.

"While Obi-Wan was on a rant, the bartender slipped something into his drink. Obi-Wan picked up his glass and, well, he slammed the contents before I could warn him. When I threatened the bartender, he just said he had put some kind of spice into it that he regularly used to cheer up his customers. It's completely safe; he's not in any kind of danger. It just made him relax, and then he drank more, and it seems to make him more susceptible to alcohol, so…"

Master Windu trailed off at Anakin's murderous glare, clearly saying without words that this was his fault.

The older Jedi scratched at the back of his head, and glanced up at the young Jedi, waiting for him to say something.

Anakin realized that Windu was slightly tipsy as well. "Did anything else happen?" he demanded.

"Obi-Wan was with us almost the entire time," the Master assured him. "When I was paying for the drinks, he wandered off. It took us a good twenty minutes, but we found him. None of the clones saw where he went, and no one could get any sense out of him because, well." He gestured vaguely to Obi-Wan who waved at him cheerfully.

"On the way back to the Temple, he kept talking about his new friend, so I guess none of it could've been too bad." The Master finished.

"We still don't know what he was drugged with," Anakin said fiercely, fixing the Master with a look that would have withered an enemy. "Someone should stay with him tonight, just in case something happens."

"I agree. And since he's already here, it seems unnecessary to move him again," Windu said quickly, beginning to edge his way towards the door.

"What?" Anakin's eyes widened. "No, that's not what I—"

"G'night," Master Windu said, fleeing the room.

Anakin stared at the door in disbelief and annoyance, then turned back to his drunken former Master, who was still sitting on the bed.

Obi-Wan was staring at his hands, and counting the long fingers carefully. His brow was drawn in consternation, and he looked up at Anakin with a panicked look.

"Anakin, s'me of my fingers 're gone!" he whispered, the fear naked in his eyes.

"No, they're all still attached, Master," Anakin said, resigned to deal with his friend until morning.

"Are you sure?" Obi-Wan said, asking with a somber look.

"I would know, Master," the Knight said back, just as seriously.

"Okay," Obi-Wan said, shifting back onto the bed slightly. "Thanks!"

Anakin knelt down and started to tug Obi-Wan's boots off.

"I will repay you for finding my forgotten phalanges!" Obi-Wan declared, trying to help Anakin take off his boots. He leaned too far forward and his body fell in a disjointed heap onto the hapless Knight. His former Padawan yelped at the unexpected weight then cursed as they both landed heavily onto the floor.

Managing to wrestle his way out from underneath the drunk Jedi, Anakin angrily slapped at Obi-Wan's clumsy hands and tugged the boots off quickly.

"There. Now, if we can please refrain from any more alliteration, I think we can do this," Anakin said to his former Master, who nodded quickly and vigorously, desperate to prove his competence.

"Can you stand?" Anakin asked.

"Mm-hmm," Obi-Wan mumbled, eyes drifting shut even as he lay on the floor.

Anakin rolled his eyes and hauled the man to his feet. After Obi-Wan swayed perilously for a moment, he seemed to regain his balance, and managed to stay upright.

"Alright, I think I have some spare sleep clothes in my drawer. Think you can take off your clothes?" Anakin asked warily.

"I can do that," Obi-Wan slurred, after a long moment of contemplation.

Anakin turned to get the extra clothes that he kept in his drawer, thanking the Force that they were close in size. Obi-Wan's shoulders were a little broader, and Anakin was a little taller, but that was the only major difference.

Turning back around, he saw his former master with his eyes closed, arms crossed around himself and making absolutely no move to undress.

"What are you doing? I thought I told you—" Anakin began.

"I said that I am perfectly capable of taking m' clothes off," Obi-Wan said waspishly. "'m a grown man! I just don't want to," he muttered.

"Why?" Anakin asked exasperatedly. He was tired from the long day and wanted to sleep. It was starting to look like that was going to be difficult.

"Cuz! It's undignified for a Jedi to be undressed," he half-slurred.

Anakin closed his eyes and summoned the remainder of his rapidly waning patience.

"Master. We are in my quarters. No one is here to see you. Half the Temple is asleep right now, and you should be too," he said, trying hard to keep the edge out of his voice.

"But _you'll_ see me!" Obi-Wan protested, sounding more like a whine.

"I'll turn around, okay?" Anakin said, not even bothering to argue with him. It was a mark of how drunk Obi-Wan was that he acted with such modesty now. Between all the times one of them had been injured, kidnapped, or just had their things stolen in or between battles, it would hardly have been the first time Anakin had seen his master in his underwear. Or the other way around for that matter.

Obi-Wan's head bobbed, willing to take his former Padawan's word. Anakin turned away slightly, keeping him in his peripherals in case he fell. Obi-Wan staggered around the small cabin, trying desperately to pull his tunic up over his head. Finally, he managed the task, and shimmied out of his pants.

Anakin passed him the spare sleeping clothes without looking at him, trying to keep his word.

Obi-Wan tried to pull on the loose trousers, but ended up tripping over the too-long pant legs and falling onto the floor with a dull thud. Anakin turned around, at his wit's end.

Trying not to curse aloud, he hauled his master up for the second time in five minutes, yanked the pants up around Obi-Wan's waist and fastened the ties for him. He then rolled up the pant legs so Obi-Wan wouldn't trip over them again.

For his part, Obi-Wan stood quietly through the ministrations. He swayed slightly because of the alcohol but stayed put.

After Anakin straightened up, his former master looked at him and asked fearfully, "Are you going to take my socks?"

Anakin stared at him for a long moment. "Why would I take your socks? Keep them on if you want."

His former Master breathed a sigh, his relief was palpable. "Oh, good. I don't want my feet to be cold," he said conspiratorially, as if confiding a big secret.

"Alright. Do you want a shirt?" Anakin asked, noting Obi-Wan's bare torso.

"Nah, 'm good," Obi-Wan said easily, waving a hand clumsily.

"You sleep on the bed," Anakin said, depositing his wayward mentor onto the soft surface unceremoniously.

"I don't wanna….wanna take your whole bed," Obi-Wan slurred, sitting up.

"It's fine. You need it more than I do right now," Anakin said firmly. "You're gonna be feeling it tomorrow morning, and it'll be better if you don't spend the night on the floor."

"We had a good time t'night, 'nakin," Obi-Wan said, sitting cross-legged on the bed. "You really shoulda come with. You could've met my friend. His name is Bert," he supplied helpfully.

"Master Windu told me that you wandered off," Anakin said, pulling off his own boots. "Where did you go?"

"To go see my friend. Bert." Obi-Wan said. It was evident by his tone that he was wondering why his apprentice would ask such a stupid question.

Obi-Wan suddenly stiffened, and straightened up. "We should go see him!" he said excitedly, drawing Anakin's eyes again.

"No, we're going to sleep," Anakin told him authoritatively, tone brooking no argument.

"We have to see him. Right now," Obi-Wan said, throwing his legs over the side. "He's a majestic sea flap-flap. Isn't that neat?"

Anakin was just about to ask what in the living _hell_ a majestic sea flap-flap was when Obi-Wan stood up quickly.

With a speed that belied his drunkenness, the Jedi Master managed to stagger towards the door, which opened. Anakin barely had time to glance up before he saw his former master sprinting through the halls of the Jedi Temple clad only in his stockings and a loose pair of rolled up sleep pants.

" _Kriff_ ," Anakin hissed under his breath. "Windu owes me for this. Big time," he vowed to himself, already plotting his revenge as he pulled his boots back on and raced after his master.

Obi-Wan was fast, but he was also very intoxicated. Anakin could clearly see him weaving and swaying in a crooked line as he ran for the balcony which overlooked a small stretch of water.

Gaining on him quickly, he noted with panic that Obi-Wan was still moving toward the balcony, making no effort to slow down. As his master approached the edge, Anakin reacted without thinking. He reached out with the Force and yanked Obi-Wan away from the precipice, catching him from behind before the older Jedi could hit the floor. Laying on the floor in a winded heap again, Anakin was starting to think that he would covered in bruises by morning from being a human shield to Obi-Wan.

Anakin had clutched his master tightly to ensure he didn't get hurt, and he could feel his heart thudding rapidly in his chest, almost painfully as he shook with adrenaline and the fear that he had almost lost his master.

"What is the matter with you?" he yelled, fear and anger making him forget that they could be seen at any point in time, or that there were sleeping Jedi in most of the rooms near him.

Obi-Wan blinked owlishly, then brightened.

"He's here, though, Anakin! Bert is here!"

"Master, nothing is here!" Anakin snapped, his nerves fraying quickly.

"He's in the water!" Obi-Wan said, not seeming affected by his apprentice's anger in the slightest.

At that moment, Anakin sensed a life presence in the Force, a presence that took his breath away with its intensity and size. He turned to the balcony and watched as a dark, gigantic shape glided easily out of the water in a graceful arc, seemed to remain suspended in the air, slowly moving smooth wing-like appendages, and then slid silently back under the water's surface, barely leaving a ripple.

"See, Anakain, see?" Obi-Wan demanded, shaking Anakin's arm with pent up excitement and actually stomping in place a little.

"That's my friend! That's Bert!" He grinned widely, and watched his apprentice expectantly.

Anakin kept his face emotionless.

"That—thing—is Bert?" he asked carefully.

"Yup. He told me he is called a majestic sea flap-flap. I think it suits him really well, don't you? He said he would give me rides sometimes," Obi-Wan said happily, his whole face lighting up as he gave a toothy, childish smile.

"Nice of him," Anakin said hollowly, at a complete loss of how to answer. He suddenly thought about how it would look if anyone were to see them now: himself standing on a balcony in the middle of the night next to his still half-drunk master.

"Let's go to bed," he said. Thankfully, it seemed like Obi-Wan was finally tired enough to comply. They made it back to Anakin's room without further incident, and Obi-Wan collapsed onto the bed, snoring loudly before his head hit the pillow. Anakin curled his long legs under him and slept on the small couch.

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Anakin woke up slightly sore from being in a cramped position all night, but refreshed. He instantly got up and began making tea for Obi-Wan and himself. When he turned around, steaming cup in a hand, he saw his master rubbing one bloodshot eye blearily and looking terrible for his night out.

"Ugh," his master groaned, closing his eyes tightly against the bright sunlight that streamed into the room.

"How was your night?" Anakin asked, trying to keep his voice nonchalant.

"To be completely honest, my friend, I've had better," Obi-Wan answered, conveying all his misery in his tone. "I don't remember most of last night, which is strange…" he trailed off.

"Master Windu said the bartender slipped something in your drink," Anakin told him. "He brought you back here for the night." Anakin tensed, waiting for his former master to ask if anything else had happened.

"Ah." Obi-Wan flushed slightly. "Well. Thank you, for watching out for me. I, uh, I hope I didn't do or say anything that I'll regret later." His tone was embarrassed, but he cast a shrewd sidelong glance to ascertain whether Anakin was hiding anything from him.

Anakin just nodded once in acknowledgement, making no move to conceal his expression or what his Master could almost certainly feel in his thoughts about all the blackmail he had gathered.

Obi-Wan sighed and slumped with his aching head in his hands.

"It wasn't all bad, Master," Anakin said. "In fact, you made a new friend last night," he said.

Obi-Wan glanced up at him, one eyebrow raised. "Really?"

"Yes," Anakin said, looking him dead in the eye. "His name is Bert."


End file.
